The Everafter Read online

  but murder was never one of them."

  "Then what are you sorry for?"

  "Thinking you ratted me out. I found out later who did

  it, but before that I thought it was you. And I should have

  realized you'd never do that to me."

  "You're right. You had enough trouble :n your life without

  me adding to it. Not that I ever knew what exactly that

  trouble was."

  "And you never will."

  I can deal with that. I mean, not that I have much

  choice . . . not having all these mind-reading skills yet that

  Tammy has. Still, I have to admit that being dead has given

  me something of an appreciation for mystery. I kind of like

  that there are things I don't understand.

  W e l l . . . except for the whole how-I-died thing.

  "Wait, you mean you don't know how you died?" Tammy

  asks me. She glows again. Surprise this time.

  "ou mean you do know how you died?*

  M

  "Of course. I remember it well. Had i car accident."

  "How old were you?"

  "Thirty-five.''

  Whoa . . . she lived to be thirty-five? Something here

  doesn't seem fair. The drug dealer lives to thirty-five, and

  the good girl dies at seventeen? "Hold on. . .. That means

  you . . . you know things that I don't, things that happened

  after I died."

  "Well, yeah. Of course. What do you want to know?"

  Starting with something safe seems like a good idea.

  "Did Amber and Lacey actually go to prom with Doug

  Preston and Scott Turner?"

  "Why would I know that? I'm not omniscient. I only

  know what I noticed when I was alive. I couldn't have cared

  less who thev went to prom with senior year. Didn't pay any

  attention."

  "But you said . . . I mean, the Ouija board said that they

  went to prom with those two."

  Bright white laughter. "Yeah. I was jjst playing a trick

  on them."

  "A trick?!"

  "You have to admit their reactions were kind of funny.

  Gotta entertain myself somehow. But senior prom isn't

  really what you want to know about, is it!"

  "No," I admit. Here goes . . ."Do you know how /

  died?"

  ,i.<

  Inside the mist, some kind of strange whirling takes

  place. Indecision.

  "This isn't a tough question. I mean, you either know

  or you don't."

  "I know."

  This is the moment when she's supposed to tell me the

  answer I've been searching for . . . isn't it? I wait patiently,

  but she doesn't reveal anything.

  "Well? Tell me!"

  "I don't think so. Seems like if you were ready to know,

  you'd know."

  "Oh, I'm ready. Trust me."

  "There are some things you have to find out for yourself.

  Other people can't tell them to you."

  Wonderful. Now she sounds like one of our parents or

  something. How did that happen?

  "I became one."

  "Became what?" I ask.

  "A parent."

  Okay, this whole mind-reading business is irritating.

  "Get out of here. You? A parent?"

  "Four kids. Three boys and a girl. The youngest was

  less than a year when I died."

  In life, this is one of those moments where you have to

  fall into the nearest chair because you're so shocked. As a

  spirit, you just do this weird kind of separating thing. This

  . :

  is truly the first time I've understood what it meant that life

  went on without me. Even though I knew it would, a part

  of me didn't accept that. I was the center of all the stories

  I knew. It was even kind of hard to believe, in a way, that

  anyone existed when they weren't with me .. . even though

  I knew they did. But this . . . this whole life I don't even

  know about? How much of the world changed without me

  knowing it?

  I realize that Tammy hasn't interrupted any of my

  thoughts. This is the longest she's let me have a conversation

  with myself since I arrived here. Very parentlike, very

  let-the-kid-make-her-own-discovery and all that. She isn't

  the girl I knew in my life.

  "Not true," she argues. "I might be radically different,

  but I'm still me."

  I rememberTammy's first comment... that she thought

  I was avoiding her and would never get here. "Have you

  been waiting here for me all this time?"

  "Kind of."

  "I don't get it. How can you 'kind of wait for me?"

  "It's like this: if you don't attach yourself when you come

  back to visit your life, if you stand back here and watch without

  interfering in any way, then you exist in a separate time

  frame from the life events. It's the same time frame that

  exists in the space where your lost objects are."

  Right. Makes perfect sense. Almost. "Then how are you

  H1'

  onlv 'kind of here? Don't you either wait or not wait?"

  " N o . . . not really. Eventually you'll learn you can be in

  more than one place when you're a spirit. Part of me can

  hangout here waiting for vou, but other parts of me can go

  somewhere else for a while. I've just been keeping part of

  me here while also wandering off to do other things, too."

  "Are you .. .all here now?"

  "Yep." A blanket of longing for the Tammy I knew in

  life encompasses me. I can't help being touched that our

  friendship meant so much to her that she's been trying this

  hard to reach me. "Why did you...why have you been waiting

  so long for me?"

  "I wanted to make sure we cleared the air about things. I

  feel terrible about blamingyou for my getting caught selling

  drugs. After you died, I still thought for a few weeks that it

  was you who ratted on me. I hated you. Wouldn't even go to

  your funeral. Was clad vou were dead, in fact. Until I found

  out the truth. I felt incredibly guilty after that. Especially

  for hating you even after you were dead. That's what I was

  trying to apologize for. Well, that and the way our friendship

  ended on the night of this slumber party."

  "I was always sorry about that, too. But . . . what happened

  originally at the slumber party that broke up our

  friendship? I mean, it probably wasn't you apologizing."

  "I guess neither of us is ever going to know much about

  that, are we? I remember that before I messed with things,

  "What do you mean?"

  I confess, "I've kind of only had one other experience

  where I just watched what was happening when I went back

  to my life. All the other times I've used a lost item, I've

  always became me in the experience."

  "Wow. You've really had a major case of separation anxiety,

  haven't you? Really wanted to keep living?"

  "Didn't you?"

  "Not so much. What I wanted was to know how my

  kids and husband were. How they changed over the years.

  What became of them. And when I realized I couldn't, I just

  stopped caring about living. I almost never do it anymore,

  Life gets boring after a while, you know?"

  Unfortunately, I do. Reliving something over an
d over

  just isn't the same thing as .. . well, Irving it.

  Tammy continues, "I prefer to leave life alone and spend

  time in the After."

  "What's that?"

  The glowing flares up again. "What's attaching you so

  strongly co life?"

  "How am I supposed to know?" Even as I ask it, I know

  it's a stupid question. I'm the only one who would know. "Can

  you get back here from the After anytime you want?"

  "Of course. Once you get to the After, though, you

  won't care so much about being here."

  "What's it like there?"

  we were playing with a Ouija board. And something did happen

  with it that caused us to have a fight. But now the only

  reality we can remember is the one where I apologize to you

  through the Ouija board. Unless, of course, we decide to go

  back and change this whole experience again."

  "Probably not a good idea," I say.

  "Agreed."

  I can't help having second thoughts. "Even though it

  might save our friendship if we did . . . ?"

  "It also might not, Aladdy. I think the end of our living

  friendship was all part of the experience we were meant to

  have."

  "Meant to have?" I ask. "Is there God somewhere orchestrating

  our lives? Because if there is, I haven't me him . . .

  h e r . . . yet."

  "God . . . well, I guess you could call it that if you want.

  There's something beautiful and powerful bevond us, and

  that's enough for me. But it doesn't really orchestrate our

  lives. We're just meant to be us. So we are. And we're meant

  to make the best choices we can. So I do. Apologizing to you

  through the Ouija board was one of those choices. I sensed

  your spirit was here. Figured the apology would make you

  curious enough to bring you back. And you did keep coming

  back here. You just wouldn't communicate with me.

  What took you so long to decide to finally do it?"

  "I didn't know how," I admitted.

  .'.1

  "You'll just be a pare of everything. All at once. You'll

  finally feel as if you belong somewhere . . . at least, I did.

  You'll like it. Once you get there. Just go there."

  "How?"

  "Find out how you died. Maybe that's what's keeping

  you here."

  "I'm trying. Can you at least give me a hint?"

  "Find Gabe. I think he has the answers you want. I don't

  know if he'll give them to you, but he might help you find

  them."

  Gabe.

  Of course.

  "How -do I get out of here?" I ask. "Do I have to wait

  until my real body gets too far away from that hair clip I

  lost? I mean, that's how I've always done it before . . . either

  that or I've found the object."

  I can tell that if she had a head. Tammy would be shaking

  it at me in despair. "Stop thinking so much. Just be.

  That's enough. Let yourself be what you want, when you

  want, where you want. Just decide you want to do something,

  and you'll end up doing it."

  Sounds easy. Yeah, r i g h t . . . .

  Except it is. It works the first time I try it.

  M

  UNCORRECTED E-PRCOF— NOT FOR SALE

  telpexCoi(i.Q|P«t?fet?.R_

  am

  f AM... I AM... I AM... floating. This isn't //. It's Am. I'm

  not located here, the way I first thought I was.

  I am here. And I'm not trapped here.

  For the first time, I realize how beautiful this space is,

  how it brims with vital energy.

  I'm relieved to discover that my conversation with

  Tammy hasn't changed anything about our original

  moments of life in that basement. Standing outside an event

  and watching it—as long as I don't try to change anything

  by knocking over silly plates and stuff like that—seems to

  have no effect on my original life.

  I don't have to be alone anymore. I can communicate

  .•J4

  with other spirits when I meet them in moments where we

  both lost objects. And I don't have to sacrifice whc I am—

  and what I was—in order to do it.

  Tammy's right. I need to find Gabe. It's time.

  I start looking for my physics homework.

  !o

  UNCORRECTED E-PftOOF—NOT FOR SALE

  HwEetfelfiDSfiib&JsJSs

  p ir

  THE FIRST THING I REALIZE about the misty Gabe is that I

  miss being able to reach out and touch him. And, I know

  this sounds superficial, but I miss the way he looks. I mean,

  he was boi and now he's just mist. I k n o w . . . I know . . , this

  is the kind of thing that keeps me attached to life and makes

  me a decidedly unenlightened spirit.

  But it's true. And I have to admit it.

  The second thing I realize about him is that he's glowing

  with happiness to see me.

  The third thing I realize—with a tremendous amount

  of relief—is that he isn't reading my mind in the same way

  Tammy did. Either he doesn't have the ability that she does,

  *J6

  or . .. maybe he respects my privacy more.

  "I still love you," he says right away. I'm glad that came

  before anything else he might communicate to me.

  "And I still love you," I tell him. "How lone have you

  been waiting for me to figure out how to reach you?"

  "I don't know. It doesn't matter, does it?"

  Maybe. I mean, a girl doesn't want her boyfriend to he

  better at everything than she is, does she? "I don't know," I

  tell him.

  "It doesn't matter to me. I'd wait as long as I needed to

  for you."

  "Have you been to the After? This place that Tammy

  tells me is so great?"

  "No. I've heard about it, though."

  "From who?"

  "My father. I met him in one of the moments of my life.

  Like I am with you now."

  "Oh . . . I'm sorry. About your dad dying, I mean...."

  There's a smile in Gabe's glow. "Maddy, there's nothing

  to be sorry about. I can see him whenever I want. I lost

  a Star Wars action figure, a Luke Skywalker, when I was

  seven. Dad lost some change at the same time."

  "You are lucky, then. I mean . . . I haven't run into my

  family anywhere. I'd like to be able to talk to them in .. .this

  form. But so far I haven't encountered an object that takes

  me to a moment when any of them also lost something."

  Ill

  "Oh, I think you'll run into them somewhere."

  "I hope so. You know what the weirdest feeling about

  that is?"

  "What?"

  "Knowing somewhere in all this crazy time they're

  already dead. Even when they're alive, they're dead, right?

  I mean, that's the way it is with us. We're dead but visiting

  this moment where we're also alive, so we're both alive and

  dead in the same moment. The same thing is happening to

  all the people we knew and loved. Time's all wrinkled up

  on itself, like a Kleenex that's been all smushed together. It

  touches itself in all these different places."

  As reassuring as this is, I hope that my family isn't

  stuck somewhere on the edge of the Kleenex, i
n a place that

  doesn't fold back onto any of the creases I'm occupying.

  "You'll see your family again, Maddy. I'm sure of it."

  He's a mind reader, too? What am I, the joke of the

  Universe? The only ghost in the Great Expanse who doesn't

  know anything about navigating the spiritual experience?

  "You can read minds, too. Just like Tammy." It's an accusation.

  I can't help it. I feel a little betrayed.

  "Huh?"

  I explain to him what happened when I visited Tammy

  at the slumber party. He seems surprised. "Well, I suppose

  it makes as much sense as everything else I've discovered

  since I died," he admits. "But I haven't learned to do that

  , . ' H

  I'm waiting for you. And you aren't ready."

  "Tammy thinks it's because I don't know how I died.

  She thinks that's keeping me tied here. She also thinks you

  can help me figure out what happened to me. Do you know

  how I died?"

  "Yes."

  "How come you know and I don't?" I demand. I might

  be sounding a little like, well, a spoiled five-year-old.

  "Your back was turned. Mine wasn't."

  I'm so surprised by this statement that my mist seems

  to scatter in several directions. I'm in danger of dispersing

  into an Expanding Universe. Gabe's mist surrounds me and

  keeps me centered enough to fold back in on myself.

  "You saw it happen?"

  "Yes. And I wish I hadn't."

  "Why don't you tell me about it, then?" I ask. "Afterward,

  we can float off together into the sunset, or the clouds,

  or whatever we float off into to get to the After."

  We swirl without communicating for a moment. Finally,

  Gabe says, "I think you'll need to see it for yourself. Even if

  I wish I hadn't seen it, I think you need to."

  "Have you ever been back to that real moment?"

  "Yeah. A few times. I never want to go again."

  "How'd you get there?"

  "The necklace. The one you're playing with over there.

  The one I gave you as a present."

  .JO

  yet. I wasn't reading your mind. I was reading jw/."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Maddy, how much time did we spend together? I know

  you. You're always worried about whether the people you

  love will be there for you when you need them. You're always

  afraid something will tear them away from you."

  "Well, I was right, wasn't I? I mean, here I am, and mv

  family's not here, are they?"

  "I'm here."

  That's so Gabe. Just two simple words, but they mean

  everything to me.

  "Besides, who knows exactly what we'll find in the